It is difficult for individuals to take the step to come out and disclose their homosexual identity to peers or family when they feel low levels of acceptance of homosexuality. Social pressure is still felt strongly against freedom of expression of homosexuality and such pressure may come from strangers, peers or family.

Fear not to meet parents’ expectations (getting married, having children, doing a particular job...) may hinder young individuals’ plans for their own life-styles. Adolescence, understood as the period of physical and psychological development between 12 and 18 years of age, is a very difficult stage for individuals who feel they do not fit in normative heterosexuality (see also M1U4 on ‘different ways of living’). Homosexual adolescents who were interviewed in a study coordinated and edited in Spain by Generelo, Pichardo and Galofré (2006) agreed on the importance of being able to share their sexual orientation with their families and they report that opening up to their parents would make them feel free (2006: 33).

As a society, we should strive to lay the foundations for any individual to have the right to live free from any threat against their sexual identity. Adolescents should have the right to express their identity, as Gómez (2005) claims in the study Homofobia en el sistema educativo (Homophobia in the Educational System), edited by Generelo and Pichardo (2005). However, individuals experience the social pressure for sexual normalization early on, and this sadly produces the frequent self-repression of homosexuality. No wonder that homophobia is described as one of the most common causes of bully-victim behavior (Birkett, Espelage and Koenig, 2009, quoted in Thapa, Cohen and Guffey, 2013: 5).

Although theories of the “coming out process” emphasize the benefits of disclosure on psychological well being, it is nevertheless identified as one important stressor in LGB individuals (Riley, 2010) and there is evidence that it can also have negative effects, depending on timing of the disclosure, the gender and sexual identity of the individual concerned, and whether or not they receive social support, among others (de Miguel, Marrero, Fumero, Carballeria and Nuez, 2018).

Regarding timing of the disclosure, LGB individuals who come out to their parents at an early age  may undergo longer periods of social discrimination, bullying and negative social relationships than those coming out later, who report higher well-being as life satisfaction, self acceptance, autonomy and purpose in life (Kosciw, Palmer and Kull, 2015).

In terms of gender, there are no differences reported between women who come out to their parents and women who don’t, but there are differences between men who come out to parents and men who don’t, with the latter group noting higher scores in happiness and environmental mastery reports (de Miguel et al. 2018).

Considering sexual identity, bisexual individuals seem to need more time to come to terms with  their sexual identity (Friedman, Dodge, Schick, Herbenick, Hubach, Bowling, J. and Reece, 2014). Bisexuals also report poorer mental health outcomes (Bostwick, 2014) and poorer social attitudes towards their sexual orientation, both from heterosexuals and from the sexual minority community (Friedman et al., 2014). It is important to note that lesbian and bisexual women score lower  personal development and sense of purpose in life when compared to gay and bisexual men (de Miguel et al. 2018). Bisexual women seem to face a double social stigma as women and as a sexual minority group (Dyar, Feinstein and London, 2015).

t is important that we become aware of our individual responsibilities in shaping gender conceptualizations through talk, as previously discussed in Santamaría-García (2014). Our everyday talk may either help perpetuate or challenge existing conceptions on homosexuality. Some of the adolescents interviewed in Generelo, Pichardo and Galofré (2006, p. 38) report on the importance of what they hear adults say about homosexuality, jokes included, in preventing them from freely sharing about their sexual identities.

The importance of trust

Young adolescents usually prefer to tell a friend or someone who inspires trust (a teacher) before telling their families, about two years earlier on average (Frost, Meyer and Schwartz, 2016). This choice shows the importance of finding support rather than facing conflict or a family crisis. This is important for families who should reflect about the importance of offering support even if it takes time for them to understand the situation. Young adolescents need to develop self-esteem and support is essential for it. The role of peers is essential in building self-esteem. When young adolescents are integrated in a group of peers they may find the strength to be open about their identities. However, when peers are a source of conflict, they will most probably have a very negative effect on the personality of individuals who may repress their identity, trying to conform to the expectations of the group and hiding their sexual identity. Those who cannot hide it may be victims of exclusion and its consequences, such as isolation or physical and psychological violence (more in Romero, Martín and Castañón, 2005: 50).

Due to the importance of disclosure in a safe environment, it is essential that peers, family and society support LGB individuals. In the context of education, it is very important that teachers and trainee teachers learn how to develop inclusive classrooms. When giving support, families will not only help their own children and promote their self-esteem but contribute to the whole society, as they will be offering a referent to other families and hence contribute to the visibilization and normalization of homosexuality, reducing homophobia. Distress associated to disclosure is more a result of having few support resources than an effect of disclosure itself (Pachankis, Cochran, and Mays, 2015).

Once the decision of coming out to the family is taken, parents may show the following reactions, as described by Generelo, Pichardo and Galofré (2006: 33-34):

• Shock. Frequent reaction for self-protection, as an attempt to avoid pain.
• Negation. Frequently experienced after shock, for the individual to avoid experiencing pain.
• Guilt. Many parents may think that homosexuality is a problem and try to find out what was the cause of the problem, even thinking they did something wrong.
• Expression of mixed feelings. This usually appears at a later stage when parents express their emotional confusion, fears about the future of their children, rage, pain, etc.
• Personal decision. When emotional conflict decreases, parents may become able to express in a more rational way about the consequences of the homosexuality of their children and accept the new situation.

It is not easy to generalise about parents’ reactions but Generelo, Pichardo and Galofré (2006: 34) talk about these patterns and how parents may need time to assimilate the new situation and go through different stages. They will hopefully understand and help their children by offering support and understanding. When giving support, they will not only help their own children but the whole society, as they will be offering a referent to other families and hence contribute to the visibilization and normalization of homosexuality, reducing homophobia.
As a society, we should strive to lay the foundations for any individual to have the right to live free from any threat against their sexual identity and guarantee their right to express their identity (Gómez, 2005), especially, as affirming sexual identity is positively associated with well being (Cramer, Burks, Golom, Stroud and Graham, 2016).

• What do you know about your parents’ plans for your future? How long ago did you know about these plans? Can you remember how old were you when you first knew about these plans? Did these plans make you feel under pressure? Yes/No? Why? If you are a teacher or teacher trainee, you can ask your students and find out about their perception of parents’ plans.
• Can you remember how old were you when you were making plans for your life? Which of these plans involve activities related to a particular gender such as marrying or having children? Did these plans make you feel under pressure? Yes/No? Why?
• Fill this table with parents’ or personal plans for your future. Say whether you felt pressure about those plans. Once the table is filled out, reflect on how many of your plans are different from your parents’. How many are similar? Why do you think you may choose to have similar or different plans?
  
  

  AGE	PARENTS’ PLANS FOR THE FUTURE	DO I FEEL PRESSURE? YES/NO	MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE	DO I FEEL PRESSURE? YES/NO

• Have you heard people evaluate other people’s sexual behaviour? What do you hear people say about being gay? What is the meaning behind those words? Give some examples and fill the table below. Have you heard jokes about gay people? Do you think these comments and jokes have an influence on what you think?
  

  Comments/ Jokes on other people’s sexual behaviour. Who made the comment/ told the joke? (if you remember)	Evaluative meaning	Possible influence on people’s thoughts

This story shows a girl’s fears not to disappoint her family and talks about the plans others have for us and how they model our expectations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfmiIcoEncY

MORE STORIES FOR INSPIRATION

It’s Ok (short film)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43XR-DUDgeMç

Coming out to parents. Live reaction story:
https://youtu.be/3tvqY5lF9fk

You & Me: coming out a passo di danza
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxRVgSGJ5tU

Coming out GAY to my 5 year old brother
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJfDDb2tMLQ

Ellen Page Come Out As Gay - Motivational Speech
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brC7wUItMLg

Tom Daley: Something I want to say…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJwJnoB9EKw#t=211

Articles related to “coming out”

• http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1363460705049572
• Christian Grov , David S. Bimbi , José E. Nanín & Jeffrey T. Parsons (2006) Race, ethnicity, gender, and generational factors associated with the coming‐out process among gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals, The Journal of Sex Research, 43:2, 115-121, DOI: 10.1080/00224490609552306
• Rasmussen M.L. (2004) The Problem of Coming Out, Theory Into Practice, 43:2, 144-150, DOI: 10.1207/s15430421tip4302_8
• Karen M Harbeck K.M. (2014) Coming Out of the Classroom Closet: Gay and Lesbian Students, Teachers, and Curricula, Routledge.
• Ward, J. and Winstanley, D. (2005), Coming out at work: performativity and the recognition and renegotiation of identity. The Sociological Review, 53: 447–475. doi:10.1111/j.1467-954X.2005.00561.x
• Valentine G., Skelton T., Butler R. (2003) Coming Out and Outcomes: Negotiating Lesbian and Gay Identities With, and in, the Family Environment and Planning D:Society and Space Vol 21, Issue 4: 479 – 499.
• Salvati M., Pistella J., Ioverno S., Laghi F.& Baiocco R. (2017): Coming Out to Siblings and Internalized Sexual Stigma: The Moderating Role of Gender in a Sample of Italian Participants, Journal of GLBT Family Studies, DOI: 10.1080/1550428X.2017.1369916
• D’amico E., Julien D., Tremblay N., Chartrand E.(2015) Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youths Coming Out to Their Parents: Parental Reactions and Youths’ Outcomes, Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 11:5, 411-437, DOI: 10.1080/1550428X.2014.981627
• D'Augelli A.R, Grossman A.H., Starks M.T.,Sinclair K.O.(2010) Factors Associated with Parents’ Knowledge of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youths’ Sexual Orientation, Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 6:2, 178-198, DOI: 10.1080/15504281003705410
• D’Augelli, A. R. (2005). Stress and adaptation among families of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth: Research challenges. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 1(2), 115–135.