Let's talk about homosexuality. A resource for parents, teachers and pupils

Your role as a parents
As a parent, you are likely to translate the views and values around sexuality your family instilled in you as a child into the family you build as an adult.   This kind of ‘multigenerational transmission’ is common and understandable, but often also problematic for the acceptance of LGB communities. If my generational family creates a sexuality taboo it is possible that I will also create and sustain that same taboo for my children.
Education offers the best attempt to break away from such a ‘stigma of knowledge’. The more knowledge we acquire based on reliable scientific research, the easier it is to familiarize ourselves with sexuality and its inherent diversity. Armed with awareness and understanding, we are better placed to speak about these questions.  
Talking with a teenager can be very difficult. As a parent, you must assume that your teenage son or daughter already has some knowledge about sexuality. And sometimes he or she knows more than you realise. To make it easier to navigate those conversations, s try to draw on your own prospect of being a teenager. This is what distinguishes you from him or her: you were their age once and you should know what it means to be an adolescent. So do not judge his or her actions. Support and, where needed,  correct his or her views, and enable them to make informed choices.
Young people are less able than adults to predict the consequences of their actions due to the short time perspective. It should also be taken into account that young people are often not used to the fact that adults talk to them about sexuality.  But talking to them is important - it will allow you to find out at what stage of development your child is, but also show how to support them in difficult moments - regardless of their sexuality.  Adolescence is precisely the stage of identity crisis, which, if not properly conducted, may lead to identity confusion or the creation of a more appropriate identity. Choosing is for your side.

Your role as a teacher
As a teacher or educator you are equipped with knowledge and educational skills, and as an adult you probably have an insight into your own sexuality.  Hopefully, you are also able to freely decide how you express and experience your sexuality.   Unfortunately, a lack of knowledge, skills, and professional or personal insight on the part of teachers can cause real difficulties in the way they deal with sexuality, and especially homosexuality or bisexuality, in the classroom.   
A teacher who does not feel that he or she has the skills, knowledge or confidence to tackle sexuality and sexual diversity may face anxiety, anger and helplessness,   which this in turn may lead to improper intervention. A teacher's awareness and understanding  should be grounded primarily in objective knowledge, based on scientific research and reference to basic human rights. It should also be advanced enough to decidedly disprove myths and stereotypes about homosexuality. At the basis of pedagogical and educational activities lies help and support for adolescents by recognizing their feelings and respecting their dignity.  Openness, a proper understanding of your students and an unwavering support for those who choose to come out is critical.

The winning team
Between the teacher and the parent, there should be cooperation and a common attitude towards the goal of supporting a child who suffers from discrimination based on sexual orientation. The teacher, because he or she has an academic background, works on the basis of scientific research; the parent does not have to be an expert, but loves his child for who he or she is. Perhaps this sounds idealistic, but it is important that a teacher who works with a parent who has doubts can support him cognitively and emotionally.

Know your limits
Teachers  should be open, accessible, trusting, and calm. They should ask open-ended questions, listen to their teens/pupils, put themselves in their pupils’  shoes, and appeal to common goals and values.   This is a lot to ask of teachers.  Ideally, teachers will have the knowledge and skills to address questions and handle classrooms situations, but also the external support - from counselors, psychologists, LGBT networks and so on - to refer pupils and their parents for expert counsel when needed.

Puberty
The period of growing up is a very difficult moment for an adolescent. It is not without reason that it is called the period of identity crisis. Confusion is a first step in developing the right identity, looking for who you are, what you want to do in life. It is also an attempt to construe yourself as a heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual person. It is a difficult task. Added to this are hormonal changes, and the changing body that comes with that. The period of adolescence according to the theory concerning human development lasts for six years. During this period, the changes mentioned above take place, which must be resolved within these six years. This is a short period. Period beyond identity is show as our constraction. The adolescence is also associated with coming out: „Coming out and learning more about yourself can sometimes be like a roller coaster – full of emotional ups and downs. To stay healthy, it’s important to discover what keeps you relaxed and positive. This is called “self-care” and it’s about taking care of YOU. As a part of your self-care, you might want to make a Safety Plan to help you get through any tough times” (Fishberger, Schneider, Henry, p.18). You should remember that: „Puberty is a critical stage in your child’s development. Your teen’s body is maturing. However, depending on the type of neuromuscular disorder, this physical turning point may occur later for your child than for others of the same age. For example, boys with Duchenne muscular dystrophy often have plump, hairlessaces, making them look younger than their peers. It is important to keep in mind that despite her or his physical disability, your child is becoming an adult, a sexual being capable of reproduction. The hormonal development that comes with puberty happens to all adolescents. These changes inevitably lead to an exploration of one’s own body and the accompanying sensations, including masturbation. This can sometimes be more complicated for young people with neuromuscular disorders because of a lack of coordination, spasms, pain or muscle weakness. If you are comfortable discussing this very intimate subject with your teen, you should know that there are technical aids, such as body harnesses, that can facilitate this self-exploration” ((Let’s Talk About Sex: A Resource for Parents 2013, p. 6).
 
Stereotypes about homosexual people
Lack of acceptance from the closest relatives may result in a rejection of one's sexual identity. There is nothing abnormal about being a homosexual person. An adolescent must know that. There is often anxiety associated with rejection by the environment for being gay or lesbian. That's why support is so important.
We live in a world of stereotypes that shape our attitudes. We also live in a normative world that tries to enter and incorporate us at all costs into the creation of normative identity and normative sexual orientation. Every departure of the unit from the normative reality leads to its exclusion. Such a threat can affect everyone. Therefore, it is necessary to fight against stereotypes that harm others. Advertisements, films, newspapers and so on often add to  problems by, among others, enforcing stereotypes and undermining young people’s acceptance of their own body, their own sexuality, including sexual orientation. Try to watch these movies together in your child and pupil, read and reflect on such advertisements, newspaper articles and so on, and  discuss what we see and hear in such messages. This will also show your interest, and it will indicate that you care.

1. How do you feel (as parents / teachers) about homosexuality and bisexuality?
2. How would you feel if your child/ your pupils were homosexual or bisexual?
3. What messages and values do you convey about homosexuality and bisexuality?
4. What gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender people do you know?
5. What are their lives like? How supportive is your school of LGBT students?
6. What can you do (as a teacher / parents) to be supportive?
   
   

Janet's Real Life Story

„My son was born in 1992. He is my first child and has always been a happy, sociable person. In 1996 we had a daughter and both children have always got along well. Although we would find our son playing with his sister’s Barbie dolls on his own, it never occurred to us to worry about this. He showed an aptitude for acting and drama from a very early age and much of the play seemed to involve role play especially when the Action Men were drafted in too.

At the age of eleven in 2004, he went to high school. There had been some bullying on the school bus from a group of boys who had been at the same primary school but as we had been members of a karate club as a family since 2002, he was able to deal with some of the more physical bullying competently and it stopped.

In Year 9, his previously unblemished academic progress in science seemed to take a small dip and he seemed uneasy but I assumed this was simply part of being a developing teenager. I assured him we would do everything to support him and was prepared to talk to the teacher about it if he wanted me to.

In December 2006, two of my friends asked me to meet them for coffee. One told me that her daughter, a friend of my son’s since they were two years old, had left her computer on with my son’s facebook details on the screen. His sexual orientation was shown. She contacted the other friend and they discussed whether to tell me or not. The second friend has a son who was part of the group of boys who carried out some of the bullying on the school bus. At first I was upset and worried for my son and his future but soon regained my equilibrium when I reminded myself that his lifelong renal problems were far more important.

Once I returned home and discussed what I had learned with my husband and our son, we immediately reassured him that his sexuality was accepted by us as part of who he is and it made no difference to either of us. Nonetheless, we needed time to adjust to this new knowledge and I sought help via the Manchester Parents Group.

After one meeting I quickly realised that he would be fine – other parents were reassuring and so supportive. My husband and I met at university in London in 1978 when LGBT campaigners were fighting hard for things young gay people now take for granted. We had long held the view that people should not be discriminated against on grounds of race or sexuality and it was time to put our principles into practice.

Indeed, after that initial session in February 2007, I continued to attend the monthly meetings of the Manchester Parents Group and became a Committee Member because I wanted to help other families. I continue to have involvement in the work of the group, supporting parents and dealing with political issues which affect us.

His sister is equally accepting as are our families and friends. Only one friend was hostile initially but he is slowly being obliged to adjust his attitudes to many issues.

My son has grown up as a confident teenager with good social skills, a broad friendship group, the respect of his teachers and a good academic record. His time at school has largely been a very positive experience. He is a very fortunate young person.

I am aware that being accepted within the family has contributed to his wellbeing, but I am also convinced that a large part has been played by the school’s ethos and the anti-bullying programme which existed as he started school there in 2004. Had this not been in place, his experience of school could have been very different indeed”. (https://manpg.co.uk/real-life-story/story-janet)

• Let’s Talk About Sex: A Resource for Parents, 2013
• Fishberger J., MD, Schneider P., MSW Ng H., MD, FAAP, Coming out As You.
• Coming out. A coming out guide for lesbian, gay and bisexual young people, LGBT Youth Scotland
• Rachel Balen and Marilyn Crawshaw, Ed., Sexuality and Fertility Issues in Ill Health and Disability: From Early Adolescence to Adulthood, UBC Press, Vancouver, 2006.
• Linda Eyre and Richard Eyre. How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It’s Best to Start Early, but It’s Never Too Late -- A Step-by-Step Guide for Every Age. Golden Books, NY, 1999.
• (red.) Świerszcz J., Lekcja równości. Postawy i potrzeby kadry szkolnej i młodzieży wobec homofobii w szkole, KPH, Warszawa, 2012.
• (red.) Świerszcz J., Lekcja równości. Materialy dla nauczycielek. Jak rozmawiać o orietacji seksualnej w szkole i wspierać młodzież, KPH, Warszawa
• Abramowicz M., Bratkiewicz A., Jestem gejem. Jestem lesbijką. Komu mogę o tym powiedzieć?. KPH, Warszawa, 2005